The difference a year makes...

One year ago last night (10/10/12) I went up to my sister Julianne's new apartment for visit with her and for dinner and a movie with her and her boyfriend Jeff.  My iPhone indicated to me that I received an email—and when I read it, I saw it was from the rector of the seminary saying; "can we meet after Mass tomorrow? It’s good news!"...Juli asked if I had any idea of what he wanted to talk about, and I responded, “I bet he’s going to ask me to study in Rome. I don’t want to go!" (you can LOL at this point, since we all know I'm blogging this from the Eternal City...)

Juli told me she knew I was excited/honored that they would ask you, but also knew that if I did end up in Rome that it would be a huge challenge for me. And she was right. I am such a homebody, that the thought of spending 5 years in a new city, new country, new seminary etc. was daunting and scary! (In fact---after a year of getting used to the idea, and 3 months of being here, it still is!) What was even more daunting for me though was the fact that TWO years away from the USA makes me feel as if I’m being punished for something!

I mentioned in an earlier blog that during the close of our silent retreat we shared our graces received. I was comforted to know that some other guys are going through the same emotions. Being back at the college and speaking with older men, it is good to hear the “older brothers” share experiences from their period of transition. I keep thinking “Thank God I’m not the first new man class to ever be sent to Rome!”

The other new men in my class might miss their former seminaries as much (or more!) than I miss SJS! We miss being able to see friends and family so quickly, we miss the familiarity of our homes. We hate missing out on the lives of our loved ones! (Friends getting married, little brothers &sisters, nieces & nephews, or cousins learning to walk/talk/write/draw etc. I know I still need work on “detachment”, which I think is part of why I was sent here. 

My sister said to me last night in an email:

“I know that you are still upset and anxious and a lot of emotions, but try and take things as they come.  You are in Vatican City! That's such an honor that you have the opportunity to study there.  Whether it's for all four or five years, or just for one, make the most out of it.  We never know what tomorrow will bring; we just have to live each day to our best.  Keep praying and you'll discover the reason(s) that you are there, because even if it's hard to believe, you aren't just there so that you're not here.  God did not want you to be there just so that you would miss out on Michelle's wedding, or miss out on beginning theology classes with your SJS classmates, or miss Anna and Paul's visits to Stoughton.  It's obviously not ideal that you are missing out on things here, but while you're there, make sure you don't miss out on things that are happening around you, and inside of you at the same time.”

Wise girl, eh?

Our first formation night last night was an inspiring reminder to me of what drew me to the seminary in the first place. It was a response to an invitation. I felt invited by God to discern the priesthood, grow in my love for Him as my beloved, grow in my love for the Church and ultimately answer the question of “Is God calling me to voluntarily lay down my life in service to Him and His Church?”

My years in seminary, whatever seminary in which I find myself studying, are going to prepare me to answer yes to that question, so that (God willing) on the day when my name is called in the Cathedral of the Holy Cross in Boston I can respond “Present”, and be well prepared to answer “I am” to all the questions asked of me by my Bishop.

As for now—it’s quite obvious I am homesick! It is good that I have many people, both back home as well as in Rome (friends, Spiritual Director, Formation Advisor) that can either identify with the feelings I have, or are great listeners and have been able to offer support, advice and prayers.

I’ve thought to myself; “I know why I was at SJS…because I am a seminarian for Boston, and that’s the regional/diocesan seminary...” And I feel as if there must be something more than learning detachment that has brought me here. However, I still ask myself daily “why Rome?” and “why me?” When reflecting on these questions, I’ve often found myself singing (mentally most of the time!) a verse from the song “Homesick” by MercyMe. It goes;

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

However, as Juli said, while I am here I need to make sure I don't miss out on things that are happening around me, but probably more importantly on the things that are happening inside of me at the same time. The Lord will use my time “in the desert”, as it were, to draw me closer to His Sacred Heart, and help me realize that HE is the beloved and HE is enough for me. If I am preparing to give my life to Christ and His Church, should that not be ingrained into who I am? That HE is all I want, all I need? Of course it should! 

I remain grateful for all the prayers people are sending up on my behalf. All the emails/Facebook messages/snail mail letters of love and support seriously do humble me, and make me pause to reflect on how blessed I am to be studying for the Archdiocese of Boston, and preparing to give my life over in service to the Church and to you all, my brothers and sisters. Much love.

Praised be Jesus Christ...

--KPL